Saturday, 30 June 2007

A Social Dilemma

My neighbours, several doors down are on holiday. I'm not sure where, as we're not even nodding acquaintances. In fact I'm not sure they're on nodding acquaintance terms with any of the immediate properties. Their house is the biggest in a row of houses, and they seem to enjoy that.

Fair enough. We know our place.

My next door neighbour has had the occasional 'set to' with These 'Burgermeisters', as they object to him washing his car whilst listening to Ken Bruce, on the odd occasion bellowing at him to "Turn it Down!",

Fair enough. No one likes to be disturbed by noise pollution.

As I said, these people are on their private island in the Indian Ocean for three months (I'm inventing things now!), and they need to protect their property from oiks and evil hoodies. What better then than a state-of-the-art, super sensitive burglar alarm.

Fair enough. No one wants to come home and find ones mansion is missing a Van Gough.

(You can see where this is going now, I'm sure)

Over the last week or so, the aforementioned alarm has gone off 3 times. Always at night. On two occasions, after eleven.

Fair enough he may be being burgled. His Picasso's, may indeed, be in jeopardy.

I've been out once or twice. Conversed with the neighbours, not seen any sign of reprobates. Someone's waded through the moat and had a quick look at the back, no sign of any breaches. Phew!

So the dilemma. When it goes off next time should I :-

a) Inform the police - something unseen may be going on. His property may be at risk. and I should do everything in my power to assist.

b) Run upstairs and publish the inconsiderate bastard's address on He's gone away without word one to anyone about what to do if his hateful stinking alarm wakes the world and his wife up. The git can't even be bothered to speak to us all year, and then expects someone to lift a finger when the scream machine, with it's stupid flashing blue light goes off, in the hope that someone will save his chintz.

I'll let you decide.


Ishouldbeworking said...

Does he have a brother called 'Chaz',* by any chance?

This is a delicate one. I have found there is often great pleasure to be had in taking the High Moral Ground with someone who has previously made you feel a little inadequate. You would need to make an apppointment to see him, and patiently, smilingly explain that of course, it has been absolutely NO problem at ALL for you to regularly patrol the perimiter of his estate for him, and that sleep deprivation for you is a pleasure, not a psychosis-inducing torment.

On the other hand, you could just clip the wires of his alarm system, should you happen to be passing, and let nature, which is after all red in tooth and claw, take its course.

*What is it with these goons? The original Chaz Long never, EVER closes his curtains ( he does after all have a duty to display his collection of brainy hardbacks to us blockheads ), APART from the times he goes on holiday. Then, he closes his curtains and - now this is impressive - places a table lamp near the window which comes on and goes off at precisely the same time each day. As though it were on a timer-swithc. He might as well put an ad in the Evening Argos.....

Ishouldbeworking said...

PS. that should be 'Evening Argus', but as it's a particularly shoddy and tawdry publication, i'll leave it as it is.

Gwen said...

Why not just clip the wires, steal the Van Gogh and all the family silver and jet off to Mallorca to live ou the rest of your days in the lap of luxury. I get the feeling that no one would be any the wiser.

Valentine Suicide said...

Well isbw, it went off again tonight though at a quite reasonable 7pm. I'm thinking we could enter into a 'Strangers on a Train' type bargain. You take out The Burgermeister, I'll deal with Chaz. You get custody of the Saab.

Gwen, I like the way your thinking, though in Mallorca I'd be bound to wind up next to a Villa with a louder alarm, and a occupant who loves to play Ronan whilst sunbathing next to his pool.

I'm thinking maybe the Western Isles? The property's cheap. No neighbours. hmmmm. I'd probably end up pursued by some cult though, headed by a mad Glaswegian woman and her youth group disciples. and end up getting sacrificed in a Wicker Man.

Gwen said...

Oh VS how did you guess my evil plans.

On the topic of neighbours, it would appear from several news reports that some of mine are terrorists, although if I hear my village being mispronounced once more I will scream. Anyway I'm away to look for any shifty types wandering about with balaclavas and 4 x 4's.

Ishouldbeworking said...

Alarms going off at random....Gwen's neighbours all getting nicked...South Coast shrink's the Apocalypse, isn't it?

Time to break out that expensive bottle of Rioja I brought back from San Sebastian. You can't take it with you, after all.

Valentine Suicide said...

Aye it's the end alright. I think I'll join you... all I've got is bottle of bargain Shiraz, but it'll do. Gwen, I'll save you a glass for when you get back from your war on terror.

Gwen said...

Excellent plan VS and ISBW. So it's the Apocalypse it it? That would explain the horsemen riding through our village today. What with that, all the news cameras, police and sniffer dogs round here I'll definitely take some of that Shiraz, although I do also like a nice Rioja.

As for the War on Terror we are progressing rather nicely at the moment and a full report will be in your hands on Monday.