Off to the supermarket today. M'zelle Suicide wants to go shopping for shoes, so I'm allowed to go alone.
See if you can spot me. I'll be the one who:-
1. Parks my BMW, Range Rover or dangerous Fiat across the disabled spots and the mother and child bays.
2. Parks said BMW, Range Rover etc so close to your car that you need your Swiss Army Knife to get back in through the roof.
3. Leafs through every single magazine on the rack, so that last copy of 'Paris/Jordan/Kate/Kerry Weekly' is so thumbed it disintegrates before you get to the checkout.
4. Walks purposely through aisle one, about a foot in front you, and then stops dead for absolutely no reason, causing a twelve trolley pile up and the inevitable collapse of the toilet roll display.
5. Meets a family of six I know slightly, in the busiest aisle and engages them in conversation for an hour.
6. Helps meself to a pack of grapes, a large bag of Doritos and a 2 litre bottle of cola and then consumes them on the way 'round.
7. Stops at the thing you most want/need to look at and stands there browsing for twenty minutes, oblivious of your polite coughs and 'humphing' noises.
8. Decides he wants to test the aroma of the 'Spring Fleur' bleach, struggles with the child proof cap and ends up 'accidentally' spilling it all over your kids.
9. Decides to stop at the narrow bit of the aisle where they are re-stacking the shelves causing a two mile trolley tailback.
10. Walks off with your trolley when you have your back turned and abandons it in the disabled toilet (where I have stopped for a comfort break) leaving you no chance of ever finding it.
11. Sets up a little stall and tries to get you to change your Gas/Electricity/Telephone supplier with the offer of a free baseball cap.
12. Puts my 400+ items through the 5 items or less.
13. 'Accidently' breaks a bottle of red wine and a carton of natural greek yoghurt onto the conveyor belt
14. Finally gets served at the 5 items checkout, suddenly remember 30 items I had meant to get and order the hapless young girl serving to "sort it out for me before I call the manager"...Ignoring the mounting queue behind me
15. Flirts with checkout girl and tries to get her phone number... Still ignoring the mounting queue behind me.
16. Fails to get the checkout girl's phone number and then accuses her of being rude... Is that the sound of growling behind me?
17. On being presented with final total, forgets my pin number asks the checkout girl of she minds waiting whilst I pop outside to the car to get some cash... A gunshot behind me as a young bachelor, with a carefully counted four items, gives up the ghost.
18. Steadfastly refuses to apologise to the eighteen people queing behind me.
19. Leaves my trolley in such a way that it both stops you from putting your trolley back AND blocks the exit to the carpark.
20. Puts a dent in your car by opening my door without due care and attention.
21. Writes off your car completely, without damaging my BMW, Range Rover or dangerous Fiat as I engage first gear instead of reverse, then drives off without leaving my insurance details (I don't have any).
I'll be at every supermarket in the UK today, be sure to say 'Hello' if you see me.