Saturday, 1 September 2007

Room 101

Ok, I did the Desert Island Blog. Now to have a bit of a rant about five things I hate,and would like to consign to Room 101. Be interested to see yours....



1. Reality TV

I'm stretching this (and who's gonna stop me? You? Bring it on!) to include Big Brother and all its siblings. Survivor, The Island, I'm a Celebrity etc.

I think I'll also add in X-Factor or anything with music-murderer Cowell (thanks Simon, you'll audition another 50 Whitneys or Mariahs that world doesn't need, and someone like Howard from the Halifax will win it and disappear). A huge waste of everyone's time, just for the dubious pleasure of seeing someone in obvious need of professional help being humiliated in an audition. I may as well chuck in Strictly Come Dancing, Lets recruit people into a Musical , Pet Cosmetic Surgery and We can Fix/Sell/Clean/Demolish Your House/Wardrobe with Lifestyle Gurus (morons) Trinny and Whinny.

I don't get hating something so much you love it which seems to be the case with 'The Apprentice'. Car crash TV? I don't want to watch car crashes. Nobody in business behaves like this. Allowing these programs to be scheduled encourages this people to behave badly. That can't be good for society?


2. R&B Divas

You can get thirty notes into a lyric that only needs one. Shame on you all. Nuff said.


3. Local Radio

I cannot count the ways I despise the idiots that present local radio. Please no more 'Si and Ange' in the morning. A typical exchange to accompany you to work:-

"Yow'll nevva gis whar ar saw this mornin Si.."
"Wha, Ange ?",
"A lollipop man oo day 'ave a lollipop"
"no!"
"Yis, ee day 'ave a lolipop"
"Yow'm kiddin' aye ya"
"I aye kiddin, he day 'ave a lollipop"
"Bloimy, should the traffic stop if ee aye gorra lollipop? lets owpen the fown loines.. Roight after this excusive. It's the brill new song boi Simplaay Rid" *

Please don't open the phone lines.. please please please. We don't need the added wisdom of the people of the Black Country

I'm especially fond of the way smoother afternoon or evening 'jocks' latin-ise their names.

"G'devening lovers, you're listening to Ricardo, on Birminghams Twart FM. Coming up in an hour we have the late show, with Carlos, but first here's Lionel Richie to get you in the mood..."

In the mood for what? Occupying the Rotunda with an AK47?

Or the weekend DJ, who's recorded 'comedy' sketches to play in-between Simply Red and Lionel Richie. The horror...The horror...

I was listening to national radio in Ireland. For me this is what UK local radio should sound like. They get a racing tipster in every morning to advise on what people should be betting on. In the fifteen minutes this guy is on you can learn everything you need to know about life.

4. The Rolling Stones

Seriously I would rather listen to 'Milennium Prayer' Cliff Richard or 'The Passenger' by Elton John (Can I put them in too?) than Jagger honking that non-specific accent and elongated vowel sound though another three of four decades. It's time to stop. Can anyone hum a Stones tune recorded in the last 25 years?

'Hooooow-ooo-wooow-ooowaooowownky towwwnk wimmennn' anyone?

Keef and Ronnie seem to have developed a guitar sound that only they understand. The axe players equivalent of Klingon.
I'm sure now they have a couple of session men, just off stage strumming something for Mick to impersonate a goose to whilst Ron and Keef wander around the stage trying to work out which planet they're on.
I undertand it's pot luck whether Charlie sits the right way on his drum stool these days.

5. Men

The final betrayal then, but I'm not a huge fan of my own sex.

a) For being loutish and lairy
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh! lets stay up all night and see who can drink the most."
(Good plan, I'll be standing over here pretending to be gay.)

or,

"Whooooooooaaarrrrrrrrrrrr! There's some girls over there in short skirts, lets shout at them"
(Good plan. Have they thrown their underweer at you yet?)

or,

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh! There some lads over there shouting at the girls WE want to shout at... Lets smash the place up/Beat up the smallest one when we get him alone/ Invade a small country"


b) For being bragging bores and know-it-alls alls about everything under the sun

"No guys, seriously, you really need to see Barbados on a four day glider cruise"

or,

"No, seriously guys, The 3.3 Turbo diesel has got it all. Clarkson reckoned it was best drive he'd ever had."

or,

"No, guys, The Hiroshima v2.7 is the only one to buy. The accoustics are out of this world. Seriously.

or,

"Guys, seriously, no. McLaren cannot play Gerrard and Lampard in the same team"


I often wish I'd been born a hownky townk wowman. At least I'd be able to multi-task.


* Translation available on request.

12 comments:

Ishouldbeworking said...

Only five? God, this is going to be hard...

Gwen said...

I'm definitely with you on number 1 but will endevour to come up with a similar list between now and the end of the week.

Five-Centres said...

I'm with you on all of these, especially the last one. Could you perhaps add in men who glare at you on meeting you as a matter of course. Is it a male dominance thing?

My own (just a small selection):

1. Celebrity culture/Heat mag

2. People who don't allow others an opinion

3. Skips

4. Teenagers who have to talk at the tops of their voices.

5. My noisy Italian student neighbours

Ishouldbeworking said...

Right. Here.

1. Clowns. I'm a free-thinking Liberal, but they should be banned. They're not funny; they're frightening and evil. Stop them now.

2. Retaurants. I love cooking and I love eating but by and large I hate going to restaurants. Especially some of the ones down here where I live*, who have had the odd good review, doubled their prices ( "I'll have the three leaves of rocket with the teaspoon of olive oil at ten quid, please"), and employed a bunch of 'resting' actors as waiters who behave like the whole thing is beneath them, despite not knowing a Pinot Noir from a Pinot Grigio. AND they call you "guys".
(Due South, I DO mean you)

3. Parent-Fascists. A "friend" introduced us to her five-year old a couple of years ago by saying "these are the ones I told you about, Rufus. They're the ones with no toys." She later sent a party invitation to us on which she had hand-written "WARNING! THERE MAY BE CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE PRESENT" ( I was a School Psychologist at the time). At yet another party, she dragged us around and introduced us thus: "These are The Non-Parents. Have a good look at them; this is what we'd look like if WE'D chosen to devote ourselves to ourselves." We are no longer "friends".

4. Nigel Havers. The very sight of that face, and that hair, has an instantly emetic effect on me. I read once that he used to attend that 'special club' where Fergie's Dad got nicked, and that the girls there said he was exceptionally unpleasant. I rest my case.

5. The Triple-Jump. What on earth is the point of the clod-hopping spectacle, and how did it ever become an Olympic event?

Valentine Suicide said...

As I divide my weekends between playing the part of 'Pickles the Clown', (a friend of the kids and their parents) AND Life President of the Nigel Havers Charmer Appreciation Society I'm more than a little miffed.

The fact that I'm representing both South Staffs and GB in the Kayak Triple Jump in 2012 adds slightly to my Miffedness.

I'm with you on loud tennagers and neighbours FC!

Valentine Suicide said...

Got your birthday present sussed though isbw..

Ishouldbeworking said...

Sorry about knocking the Kayak Triple-Jump; any chance you could post a small clip of you in a training session? I'd like to learn more about it, so that I can cure myself of irrational prejudice.

And thanks for the link to that other site, 'Pickles' - my holiday wardrobe is now complete....

Ishouldbeworking said...

PS. I had ten minutes of Southern FM ("That's "FM" for "Flaming MENTAL, guys!") inflicted on me in a taxi the other morning, and it bears out everything you said. Two simpering studio-bound twits called "Dannnnni'N'Nikkiiiii conduct the proceedings, while a man with aggression issues, who might be called "Mr Shouty" interrupts people trying to get to to work "around the region", and bawls at them.
It made me long for John Humphries, and I hate him.

Valentine Suicide said...

Hang on a min isbw! How do account for that rusty Fiat seen in the Brighton area with a 'Southern FM' sticker on the bumper, and a 'Psychotherapists do it with their Noggins' sticker in the back window?

Ha!

Ishouldbeworking said...

I won that sticker in a competition, actually.

Valentine Suicide said...

I think I remember that Melfi.. Didn't you correctly identify a Snow Patrol track on 'name that tune'? You called in with 'The Phrase That Pays', which if memory serves was

"DAAANNIII AND NIKKKKI YOU ROCK MY WORLD"

Classy.

Ishouldbeworking said...

Not only that; I burped the answer.

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