Ok, I did the Desert Island Blog. Now to have a bit of a rant about five things I hate,and would like to consign to Room 101. Be interested to see yours....
1. Reality TV
I'm stretching this (and who's gonna stop me? You? Bring it on!) to include Big Brother and all its siblings. Survivor, The Island, I'm a Celebrity etc.
I think I'll also add in X-Factor or anything with music-murderer Cowell (thanks Simon, you'll audition another 50 Whitneys or Mariahs that world doesn't need, and someone like Howard from the Halifax will win it and disappear). A huge waste of everyone's time, just for the dubious pleasure of seeing someone in obvious need of professional help being humiliated in an audition. I may as well chuck in Strictly Come Dancing, Lets recruit people into a Musical , Pet Cosmetic Surgery and We can Fix/Sell/Clean/Demolish Your House/Wardrobe with Lifestyle Gurus (morons) Trinny and Whinny.
I don't get hating something so much you love it which seems to be the case with 'The Apprentice'. Car crash TV? I don't want to watch car crashes. Nobody in business behaves like this. Allowing these programs to be scheduled encourages this people to behave badly. That can't be good for society?
2. R&B Divas
You can get thirty notes into a lyric that only needs one. Shame on you all. Nuff said.
3. Local Radio
I cannot count the ways I despise the idiots that present local radio. Please no more 'Si and Ange' in the morning. A typical exchange to accompany you to work:-
"Yow'll nevva gis whar ar saw this mornin Si.."
"Wha, Ange ?",
"A lollipop man oo day 'ave a lollipop"
"Yis, ee day 'ave a lolipop"
"Yow'm kiddin' aye ya"
"I aye kiddin, he day 'ave a lollipop"
"Bloimy, should the traffic stop if ee aye gorra lollipop? lets owpen the fown loines.. Roight after this excusive. It's the brill new song boi Simplaay Rid" *
Please don't open the phone lines.. please please please. We don't need the added wisdom of the people of the Black Country
I'm especially fond of the way smoother afternoon or evening 'jocks' latin-ise their names.
"G'devening lovers, you're listening to Ricardo, on Birminghams Twart FM. Coming up in an hour we have the late show, with Carlos, but first here's Lionel Richie to get you in the mood..."
In the mood for what? Occupying the Rotunda with an AK47?
Or the weekend DJ, who's recorded 'comedy' sketches to play in-between Simply Red and Lionel Richie. The horror...The horror...
I was listening to national radio in Ireland. For me this is what UK local radio should sound like. They get a racing tipster in every morning to advise on what people should be betting on. In the fifteen minutes this guy is on you can learn everything you need to know about life.
4. The Rolling Stones
Seriously I would rather listen to 'Milennium Prayer' Cliff Richard or 'The Passenger' by Elton John (Can I put them in too?) than Jagger honking that non-specific accent and elongated vowel sound though another three of four decades. It's time to stop. Can anyone hum a Stones tune recorded in the last 25 years?
'Hooooow-ooo-wooow-ooowaooowownky towwwnk wimmennn' anyone?
Keef and Ronnie seem to have developed a guitar sound that only they understand. The axe players equivalent of Klingon.
I'm sure now they have a couple of session men, just off stage strumming something for Mick to impersonate a goose to whilst Ron and Keef wander around the stage trying to work out which planet they're on.
I undertand it's pot luck whether Charlie sits the right way on his drum stool these days.
The final betrayal then, but I'm not a huge fan of my own sex.
a) For being loutish and lairy
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh! lets stay up all night and see who can drink the most."
(Good plan, I'll be standing over here pretending to be gay.)
"Whooooooooaaarrrrrrrrrrrr! There's some girls over there in short skirts, lets shout at them"
(Good plan. Have they thrown their underweer at you yet?)
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh! There some lads over there shouting at the girls WE want to shout at... Lets smash the place up/Beat up the smallest one when we get him alone/ Invade a small country"
b) For being bragging bores and know-it-alls alls about everything under the sun
"No guys, seriously, you really need to see Barbados on a four day glider cruise"
"No, seriously guys, The 3.3 Turbo diesel has got it all. Clarkson reckoned it was best drive he'd ever had."
"No, guys, The Hiroshima v2.7 is the only one to buy. The accoustics are out of this world. Seriously.
"Guys, seriously, no. McLaren cannot play Gerrard and Lampard in the same team"
I often wish I'd been born a hownky townk wowman. At least I'd be able to multi-task.
* Translation available on request.