Wednesday, 17 December 2008

More meandering




I went to see The Day The Earth Stood Still and I wasn't disappointed! It really, really is awful. I'm not entirely sure how you can bollocks up such a simple story.

To recap the original:-

Alien and twelve foot robot come to Earth to tell evil Earthlings to mend their evil ways
Evil Earthlings say they're not interested and shoot alien, wounding him.
Evil Earthing politicians are too busy squabbling to listen to good (but potentially genocidal) alien
Twelve foot robot stands about menacingly, occasionally blowing things up.
Good (but potentially genocidal) alien meets make friends with little boy.
Good (but potentially genocidal) alien bonds with local Prof. in an erotically charged and action packed equation solving scene.
Good (but potentially genocidal) alien MAKES EARTH STAND STILL to convince Evil Earthlings he's a bit tasty.
Evil Earthlings mend ways.
Good (but potentially genocidal) alien buggers off.

Well, I don't want to spoil it for you, but the remake misses out one of the above key bits. (It's the one in capitals) and renders the film wholly pointless. Keanu Reeves must have been the directors dream leading man, having delivered performances SO alien throughout his career to date. Unfortunately it looks like he can't do it when he's trying. And what;s going on with his face? It seems to be getting wider and flatter. He looks a bit like a toad.

I've haven't seen such codswallop since Mel Gibson defeated an alien invasion using the the highly original and devastating technique of 'hiding in the basement' in Signs

Speaking of codswallop, last nights episode of Survivors contained not only the second least convincing birth I've ever seen on screen*, but the quickest revival of a dead person using that tried and tested TV technique of blowing into their gob a bit then rubbing their chest. This always causes the corpse to gasp suddenly and sit up, as good as new. Wonder why they didn't try that on John F. Kennedy? Anyway, Survivors, it's time we parted company I think..


*The first the sixty second first-time childbirth in Children of Men. Is it always that easy to have a child? 'Man-flu' looks loads worse..

~o~

Took my cold to see The Hold Steady on Monday night. No-one else wanted to go. I really was feeling quite dreadful, so I spent the support act time drinking strong lager in the bar. Then I marched front and centre into the 'mosh-pit' and spent the whole of the set in a washing machine, being stamped on by people half my age. I left bruised, aching but happy.

7 comments:

Ishouldbeworking said...

Splendid. I have taken the liberty of directing your comments on TDTESS to a friend of mine who has a strong personal interest in the failure of this film.

Word verification: 'prophit'.

You must immediately found a new religion with yourself as messiah. I'm in.

BPP said...

Is this the first time I've agreed with you? Anyway, I agree with you. I turns to the missus after that half-arsed revival of the mother in Survivors and said, 'It's hardly Holby City, is it?'. Talk about unconvincing. As unconvincing, indeed, as the fact the Survivors are all doggedly hanging on to their salon-fresh hairstyles weeks after everything went tits-up.

Frankly, I'm beginning to suspect I'm watching Sci-Fi 'ere.

Oh, and you're a twit.

Bright Ambassador said...

I can do an impression of Reeves. Would you like to hear it? No? Well, I'll do it anyway:
*clears throat rather too theatrically* "There's a bomb on the bus, dude".

There, bloody good, wasn't it?

Valentine Suicide said...

That was uncanny BA! I actually looked over my shoulder thinking he was in the room!! I really am, as leading twerp Perry points out, a twit.

ISBW, I'd forgotten the original Gort had retired from interstellar travel/menacing species and retired to your guesthouse in Hip-replacementsville. How is he?

Ishouldbeworking said...

Gort ran off owing a month's rent, and from what I hear he now turns tricks in the back room of a transvestite bar in Hove. A sad end, but he's only got himself to blame.

Word verification: "mastur". Are you fiddling this somehow?

Valentine Suicide said...

Word Verification is either,

a) A response from your computer at the thought of Gort turning tricks.

b) Something subconscious in me as the result of a rather bizarre Christmas card I received yesterday.

Planet Mondo said...

Happy Christmas VS keep on cranking in the new year

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