That difficult second novel.

The Bleakening by Valentine Suicide

Prologue

Flickering in and out, it pulsated. Pulsated, darkened. It darkened, divided. It divided again. Then, unaccountably bleakened.

Chapter One - An Ordinary Guy

……..and custard legs!" I finished, slamming the door in her penis.

That's the kind of guy I am. Just ordinary. Nothing special about me. From the eight ordinary years I spent as a musician, only quitting after my fourth Mercury Prize nominated platinum album. When the lack of integrity in the music industry, and an unfortunate accident that broke my triangle forced me to quit.

It allowed me to join the SAS as an ordinary but hard soldier where I won about ten wars, before becoming the lead-pilot in The Red Arrows. I also had to leave this behind, following a mid-air accident. We were doing that Red Arrows manoeuvre "Whooshing past each other dead-fast and that" when my wing touched the female pilot coming the the other way. I had to eject into her cockpit, and save the little lady. I couldn't live down the gratitude in her tear be-soaked eyes, or the sexual harassment tribunal. So I quit.

All these things had allowed me to develop a certain set of skills. Which is why the government came to me when they needed help with The Bleakening.

Chapter Two - The Coming Of The Bleakening

The Bleakening came. No-one knew what is was or what to do with it. Not even me, and ex-soldier pilot/rock star.

Chapter Four - The Bleakening Reveals It's Deadly Purpose

The Bleakening revealed it's purpose, which was to kill people. I still didn’t know what to do, so The Royal Institute of Stones and Bleakening sent a beautiful meddling female Professor of Bleakening to help me. We didn’t get on, but had to work together for the good of mankind.

Chapter Three - Love and The End of The Bleakening

After working together, me and the beautiful meddling female Professor of Bleakening realise we love each other, and so find a way to defeat The Bleakening using the power of ordinariness, flight and the iPhone anti-Bleakening app. Mankind is saved and we live happily ever after…

Or do we? And what happened to Chapter Three?

I love you, Rod Taylor..

Hurrah! I've invented a time machine. Yes that's right, A TIME MACHINE! Just what man's been waiting for. Now we can all travel in time (subject to a large fee) using my magical device. It had couple of minor niggles. First of all it can only go forward to time. The second problem with it is it takes an hour to go forward an hour. Bookings now being taken.


- Posted using BlogPress from my brainwaves.

Tennis Update #2

I've had literally no requests to prove my bold statements regarding sound-alikes.

So bending under the weight of such demands, I will demonstrate.

One person:- (Click)

Another person:- (Click)

Where are you going? Come back!

Tennis update

Have you ever noticed the similarities between low-output author Donna Tartt (how many books in ten years?) and former Tennis champion Tracy Austin? They ARE identical! *

It's all I've been able to think about this week.

*Obviously I'm talking about their speaking voices. I'm surprised more people aren't talking about it. Even more surprised at the number of people who walk away from me tutting and rolling their eyes.

Roll up!

In the spirit of Wimbledon, I am going to be holding prestigious music/sporting events in my home. Please feel free to queue and camp in my front garden overnight ahead of these events, only to be told that there's not enough room for you to get in . Enjoy!


- Posted using BlogPress from my brainwaves.

The novel wot I wrote

The Stones by Valentine Suicide

Chapter One - The Coming Of The Stones

The Stones came. No-one knew what they were or what to do with them. Not even me, a scientist at The Royal Institute of Stones.

Chapter Two - The Stones Reveal Their Deadly Purpose

The Stones revealed their purpose, which was to kill people. I still didn’t now what to do, so The Royal Institute of Stones sent a beautiful meddling female Professor of Stones to help me. We didn’t get on, but had to work together for the good of mankind.

Chapter Three - Love and The End of The Stones

After working together, me and the beautiful meddling female Professor of Stones realise we love each other, and so find a way to defeat The Stones using slug pellets and a rock hammer. Mankind is saved and we live happily ever after...Or do we?

VS- celebrity correspondent..

I see Welsh actress Llindsay Llohan is defying doctors, who have only given her "months to live".

Look Magazine informs me that if she continues using the lethal cocktail of drugs and alcohol, she could be gone within three months. I assume if she takes more, it could be sooner. Or perhaps if she takes less, for a while, it could stretch out for maybe seven or eight months. I also understand doctor's fear she could go tomorrow if she gets hit by a large vehicle, or is involved in a violent robbery and/or fatal shooting, or is bitten by a rabid animal of some description.

She may also have to go back to jail, if she commits more crimes.